The Scene: TJM paces in his cramped dorm room, hands clenched tightly around his head. An agonized look on his face, he gracefully trips over a flipflop on the floor, deftly manages to avoid falling into a desk corner, and ends up on his knees. Woe is unto him. He cries into the darkness:
TJM: Somebody! Football God from up above! I need help and I need it now! I beseech you, send me your most sagacious messenger to show me the way!
Wind weakly rushes through the room; a somewhat-intimidating burst of smoke and light occurs. Eli Manning, quarterback for the New York Giants, appears. His trademark deer-in-the-headlights look is exaggerated by the multi-watt halo he wears, which makes him squint something fierce; without the shoulder pads, he appears to be similar in stature to my 16 year old brother. Eli idly scratches his head, waiting for TJM to make the first move.
TJM: You...you're the Football God's most sagacious messenger? I mean, you're my favorite player and all, but -
EM: Yeah, yeah, you were expecting Peyton, right? Freaking Peyton. Well, Peyton's the usual liaison, but he's busy making another commercial right now, so I'm his stand in. As a Giants fan, I would think that you'd be excited about this any - hey, stop laughing!
TJM: Well, you do look ridiculous,
EM: (Fidgeting awkwardly with halo)...fair enough.
TJM: Anyway, the question I have been fighting with is this: I've been a Giants fan my whole life. I've supported you guys through the thick and thin, through all the dropped passes on poorly thrown balls and all the bad sacks you've taken -
EM: Clears throat
TJM: Through all the terrible interceptions, and how you turned us into a losing team in 2004, and -
EM: All RIGHT! All RIGHT!
TJM: - But now, I'm playing fantasy football. And now, I'm drafting people like DeSean Jackson on the Eagles, and now I'm paying very close attention to the scores and stats of other games than Giants games. Frankly, it's making me very uncomfortable with my fandom. What can I do? Should I stop playing fantasy football?
EM: Well, TJM, let me ask you something. Who do you think is the starting quarterback for MY fantasy football team?
TJM: Well, you, probably.
EM: Wrong! It's Peyton! And my backup is Phil Rivers - and I hate that guy. The point is, you don't draft people who you like, or who you hope do well. You draft people based on who's best. And that's how you should do everything in life - by being competitive, and being fair. Let me ask you, how are you doing in your league?
TJM: I'm in first place by a wide margin.
EM: And how does that make you feel?
TJM: Well...good, actually. Like a world beater
EM: Exactly! Life is about winning, not being a nice guy to EVERYONE. If I cared about making everyone think I was a team player, I wouldn't have forced a trade from the Chargers to the Giants. Now instead of being 2-5 in San Diego, I've won a Super Bowl in New York -
TJM: New Jersey.
EM: Whatever - and I'm having fun. Just remember that it's best to worry more about enemies than friends - and that means worrying more about your rivals on your Fantasy league than worrying about us Giants. We'll be fine. And besides, if you spend a little energy in your dorm room rooting for a player for the Patriots or Cowboys instead of us, we'll forgive you. After all, you know when you yell and scream at the TV to run faster or tackle him already or for God's sake Eli stop throwing to ball to the wrong jerseys? Yeah, we can't actually hear you.
TJM: (Horrified) NO!!
EM: YES!! If you really need to talk to us, you can write us a letter, and there's a very very small probability I or somebody associated with the Giants will read it. But I wouldn't count on it. Gets up, stretches. Well, I hope we've learned some valuable lessons about realism today. I should be on my way, and good luck with your Fantasy team.
TJM: Wait! One last question. How's YOUR team doing in the family league?
EM: (...) Don't want to talk about it.
Silence
EM: (Brightly) But at least I'm beating the guy who drafted me!
Silence
EM: I'm gonna go.
Flourish; Exeunt
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